Holiday season blues

Well its that time of year again.  Its holiday season.  This is an especially tough time of year for me for various reasons.  I am a 33 - year old single woman with no children.  I lost my mother and grandmother back in December of 2006.  My step-father has gotten remarried and has taken on a new family.  I lost my brother to the system back in 2009.  I've also lost a best friend and a uncle both to untimely deaths.    All of these people have been very influential people in my life.  My step-father and still talk from time to time and I know that he still loves me as his daughter.  Sometimes I just find it a little difficult to fit in with his new family.  I was raised to see holidays as family time.  So what do you do when you don't have close family to spend the holidays with?  I remember when I was in college when everything was going really well on the home front.  This time of year was always so exciting to me.  There's nothing like gathering with family and friends for the holidays.  Even though my mother was not well for a very long time she would always manage to prepare something on either Christmas or Thanksgiving.  She really valued holidays and family time.  For as long as I can remember I was not allowed to miss Thanksgiving or Christmas.

Last Thanksgiving I was very blessed and spent the day with a really close friend and her family.  The food was great, the company was awesome but at the end of the day I still longed for my family.  Last Christmas was great as well.  I was able to spend that time with some very good friends of mine from back home but at the end of the day I still longed for my family.  Is this a felling I have to face and deal with every year?  Over the past year I've been connected with my biological father's side of the family and i love it.  Maybe its time for me to become close to them and establish new traditions.  Its just a bit overwhelming for me when I think about the process of getting to know strangers even though they are family.

So needless to say everyday is a constant struggle to be happy and content with where I am emotionally this time of year.  I try to remember that it could always be worse but then again sometimes I don't know.  Whats worse then not being with loved ones during the holidays?  

Operation "Road to a Better Lifestyle" Week One

I must admit I am one funny individual.  Its funny how everytime I start to work on my weight all I can think about is food.  I have cravings for those bad foods that I haven't had in forever.  So with that being said lets start talking about my first week with "Project Healthy Lifestyle."  November first was my official start date.  In order to get a good morning working out in the mornings I have to get out of bed at 6:00 a.m. Being that I put so much time and thought into this process I was anxious to get started and on the morning of November 1, 2011 I woke up at least twice before my alarm goes off.  So when my alarm did sound what did I do?  I turned it off, rolled over and went back to sleep.  That move was the first move to a not so great Day 1 start.  I jumped up and out of bed around 7:05 a.m. and headed for the shower.  It ususally takes me about a good 30 to 35 minutes to get ready for work so needless to say I was officially running late being that I needed to be out of the house at 7:40 a.m. to catch my train for work.  Since I was running late I didn't have time to prepare my bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and I forgot to grab my lunch from the fridge.  So there's two meals I'm going to have to figure out how to replace....not good.  I ended up missing breakfast all together and for lunch I at some pistaceos and a pack of peanutbutter nabs.  For those of you who don't know what nabs are, I had a pack of peanutbutter crackers.  Tuesdays are my busy days so I knew once I got off of work I would not have time to eat dinner before having to head to church for my Celebrate Recovery meeting. By this time I realized that Day 1 was a wash.  Once I got out of my meeting at church I had a craving for fried chicken so bad I was literally salivating at that thought of  having some for dinner.  My 30 minute drive from church to home was focused on only where I would stop to get chicken.  After deciding against driving pass my apartment to the closes chicken joint, I ended up stopping to pick up some hot wings and fries....bad bad bad.  The damage is done so there is no need for me to dwell on all of the wrong choices I made.

The remainder of week 1 was very sketchy.  I worked out some but not like I planned.  I do realize that its only the first week however I feel like this week is to set the tone of the entire process.  What I've come to realize is that its very hard for me to do this process alone.  I do have many supporters and most of them are two states away but I do appreciate their support and their prayers.  What I'm really in need of is self motivation.  I keep saying that I want to live better, eat better, and make better choices all around but it is so hard to do all of this when for almost 33 years I haven't made the best choices.  This is defintely going to be a process and I will embrace every moment of this process because I would love to be able to help someone else one day.

Emotionally I was a wreck. I have to admit on Thursday night I threw myself a huge pitty party.  I started feeling sorry for myself and then I became really angry, however by Friday morning I was all better.  I guess someone was praying for me.  I've found through reading and talking with people that emotional and mental health is just as important as physical health if not more important.

So I'm about to head into Week 2.  I'm predicting a much better week this week.  I'm sticking strictly to my meal plan and I will ensure that my workouts will happen.   I've added an addition activity to my week.  I have decided to make two trips to Marietta this week.  Not only will I be going on Tuesday, I will also be going for Wednesday night service as well.  I've got to do some things different. My spiritual life hasn't been what it once was however I feel like this is a good time to start working on spending more time with God and in fellowship with other like minded individuals.

I just want to thank those of you are are on this journey with me or praying for me.  Remember if you have any tips please feel free to comment on the post.

Have a happy week!


“It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward.” - Chinese Proverb

Week One

Happy Sunday fellow bloggers, the week has finally arrived.  This is the week that I start my journey to a healthy lifestyle.  I have my workouts lined up and so are my meals. I must admit I’m a bit excited.  I’ve been anticipating starting this journey for a while and now its here.

I’m sure by the middle of the week I will be very cranky, and full of attitude.  The first week is always the worst but at least I know what to expect.  My workout will consist of a 30 minute workout in the morning and a 30 minute workout after work.  I will build on my workouts as I go along.  I’m not trying to get too burned out too soon.  I plan on keeping a journal for the week so I will have something to report to you guys when I return on Sunday.

Well that’s all I have for now.  Have a good week.  I will be back to soon.

Operation "Road to a Better Lifestyle"

*Bells and whistles* I made it back.  Boy, let me tell you I didn't think tonight's blog was going o happen.  I feel as thought I have a million things to do and blogging is at the bottom of the list.  However, I am on a mission. So I am heading into Week 2 of preparation for Operation "Road to a Better Lifestyle."  Going into week 2 I realized that I need to have some goals and a plan on how to reach those goals.  So that's what I will be getting into tonight.

Before I set out on a journey I need to first know where I'm going and how I plan on getting there. So the first thing I did was set a monthly weight goal.  I decided that I wanted to loose 5lbs a month.  Its not to much but its going to require a lot of work.  So after setting a monthly goal I wanted to set an overall goal just to see how well I'm doing.  So I decided to set a time frame of 3 months.  That would be a total of 15 pounds.  I feel like that's doable.  February 1, 2012 I will be recording my ending weight loss goal.

Now that I know where I'm going, I need to decide how I'm going to get there.  I have decided to assist with my caloric intake I will be joining Weight Watchers again.  I was successful with it the first time so I'm sure I will have success this time around.  Another reason I decided to go back to WW is because it teaches permanent change.  I pick up habits that I can continue.

Working out for me has always been something to hard to start but once I'm in it, I'm in going hard.  Then somewhere along the way I hit a brick wall.  I've yet to figure out how to recover from that head on collision, nevertheless, I'm back to give it another shot.  I will be joining a gym.  I will be working out 5 days a week.  In the morning I will be doing some sort of dancing video game for the Wii.  I will do a 45 minute workout.  After work I will go to the gym and get in about an hour of cardio which will consist of treadmill, elliptical, bicycle.

So there you have it folks.  My goal and my plan to reach my goal. There are some other things I am factoring in to assist with the emotional aspect of this journey.  Not only will my body be going through some physical changes it will also undergo emotional changes.  I plan to have you here every step of the way.  November 1, 2011 is the first day that everything begins.  Before I go is there anyone who's willing to participate in this journey with me?

Lets do it!!!!

Blogging my way to a healthy lifestyle

I know I have been away for a while but now I'm back and I'm going to at least try to do one post a week until I feel as though I can commit to doing more.  I figure one way to commit to this whole blogging thing is to blog about something that I'm really interested in myself.

As my close friends know I have been really struggling with trying to loose weight for the past year and a half now.  I can say that when I started this weight loss journey I was a whopping 310 pounds.  I knew it was time for a change when I was lying in bed one night on my back and was having difficulty breathing.  I only found comfort by either pressing the fat down in my chest area with my hand or by either sleeping on my stomach or side.  This was definitely not good. 

So I decided to join Weight Watchers (WW).  At the time Weight Watchers had a free 3 month trial.  The only think I had to pay for was registration.  So I said "What the heck.  I have nothing to lose, but weight."  Those 3 months I was on Weight Watchers I was very excited.  I excited about learning how the system worked.  I was even excited about grocery shopping and that is one of my least favorite activities.  During this time.  I was working out very little.  I would get on average 3 twenty-minute workouts in a week...maybe.  At the end of my free 3 month trial I had lost 30 pounds.  Woo-whoo!

Needless to say I did not renew my subscription with WW because I really was not in position to to afford the extra expense.  Therefore, its been a constant yo-yo every since.  So today I mange to bounce between 280 and 290 pounds.  At my lightest I weighed 278 but I was not there very long before I gradually started back picking up weight.

Just recently I discovered I really do have a passion for learning more about living a healthy lifestyle.  However, I think I've just been too lazy to actually implement some of the simple changes.  I am working a better a job and making more money now days so I've decided to join WW again and see what happens.  This time I think it will be an awesome idea to blog my way through the process simply because I've come across some awesome blogs that have been such and inspiration to me.

So those of you who come across my blog if you have any tips I've very open to suggestions and would love to have you along beside me as I become a healthier person.

No More Extra!

I think today I reached my limit.  I'm the one who can always keep my cool.  I always think before I react, and I forever give people the benefit of the doubt.  But you know what?  I think today was my last day.  This could be bad however I am one who can smile in your face and continue to treat you as if I really care after finding out that you've spoken ill of me.  I am the one who is least likely to hold grudges, nevertheless, I will always remember if I've been wronged by someone. 

So today was the last day of my kindness toward a couple of individuals.  One, I never will disrespect because of the position they hold however I will not be entertaining any "extra".  Its either I hold my tongue or catch a quick case of "word vomit" as my co-worker/friend so eloquently described the tongue lashing that might go down.  So I will be quiet and keep my cool.  I will also keep all the "extra" to myself.  Besides why invest that much time when I could really care less.

Rid Yourself of Unwanted Visitors

Over the past year I must admit that I’ve allowed my trials and tribulations to affect me.  They came in the form of unemployment, loss of close friends and family, empty pockets and loneliness.   I opened my door to depression and stress and allowed them to make themselves at home in my dwelling.  Both of these visitors came in and robbed me of my joy, contentment, and my peace of mind.  Those things are very valuable to me therefore I embarked on a mission to take them back, however I couldn’t do it alone.  And once I gathered my possessions back they were mine to keep and those unwelcomed visitors did not have a nice cozy place to dwell in any longer.

Matthew 6:33(NLT): Seek the kingdom of God above all else and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.  This is definitely something I was not doing.  I had my own agenda and was going to follow it regardless of what anyone said.  Needless to say, I’ve learned that my agenda wasn’t the right agenda and just because I had a thought or an idea the played in your mind constantly didn’t mean that it was necessarily a sign from God.  So now I have a new agenda and it’s an agenda designed by God for His purpose and its starts with first seeking Him and living righteously.  Some of you may wonder how I am going about following Matthew 6:33.  The Life Application Bible is an excellent tool and gives you everything you need to know in applying Gods word and principles.  This bible noted 3 key things in order to carry out Matthew 6:33.  First, I had to fill my thoughts with God’s desires.  Notice I didn’t say my desires.  That’s what I was doing at first and I was heading down a very destructive path.  Second, I must take God’s character as my pattern.  I can never be God however I can live a very godly life.  Am I saying that I will never sin again or fall short of His glory, of course not!  Third, I must obey him in everything, not some things but everything.

Depression and Stress has the ability to cause a lot of unwanted issues, however I know someone who is bigger than both of these silent killers and that is God.  But first we have to accept God and welcome Him into our lives.  Not only that, we must establish a relationship with Him.  I can honestly say I have spent a lot of time focusing on relationships with my friends and family more so then my relationship with God. I developed a pattern of unhealthy relationships and at the end of the day there was always a void.  Mark 10: 29-30 (NLT): Yes, Jesus replied, “and I assure you that everyone who has given up house or brother or sisters or mother or father or children or property, for my sake and for the Good News will receive now in return a hundred times as many houses, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and property – along with persecution.  And in the world to come that person will have eternal life.” I am willing to give up those things in order to follow God and have eternal life.  I can honestly say that accepting the persecution is going to be hard however it’s going to be worth it.  And I know that if nobody else has my back, God does.  At this very moment I have my joy, my contentment, and my peace of mind.  And above all else I have a personal relationship with God and I am working on making it even stronger everyday.  I encourage you to do the same and DO NOT allow your trials and tribulations to defeat you.  Isaiah 54:17: But in the coming day no weapon turned against you will succeed.  You will silence every voice raised up to accuse you.  These benefits are enjoyed by the servants of the Lord; their vindication will come from me.  I, the Lord, have spoken. God said it and He will do just what he says.

*** This blog is over a year old however I thought I would post it ***

Run Real Fast Right Now

So many times throughout my life I failed to remember that once I gave my life to Christ I also gave him my body.  Its funny how I can sit here and think of times that I gave myself to someone who not only didn’t deserve me but could care less about me or my well being, and the one person who loves me most of all and who actually owns my body I gave so little.  I’ve been talking with several different people about my struggle with sexual sin and I’ve found that the more I communicated about this on going issue that I’ve been dealing with the more helpful its been in my recovery.  This is probably going to be by far one of the hardest blogs I will ever post simply because I’m allowing the world to see where I am flawed.  Nevertheless, I am also sharing with the world the seriousness of sexual sin and the dangers it will cause if you do not be obedient to God’s word and pull away.  A man once told me when I was sharing my story with him, “Don’t relate to your situation relate to God.”  That is a very powerful statement and I refer to it several times to get me through those though moments.

Before coming to this point in my life I use to make validations for my reasons to continue to in participate in sexual sin.  Some of the things I use to tell myself in order to validate my actions are noted as followed:

• I was introduced to it at a young age
• I’ve already started may as well keep it up
• I need the attention (good or bad)
• It’s an addiction

No matter what my reasons were for participating in such dangerous, destructive, and damaging activities, none of them were worth jeopardizing my salvation, which is exactly what I was doing. I Corinthians 6: 18-20 (NLT) Run from sexual sin!  No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does.  For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body.  Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God?  You do not belong to yourself, for God brought you with a high price.  So you must honor God with your body. I honestly don’t think it can be simplified any further.  Sex was designed to be a beautiful thing specifically for marriage.  That is the core purpose for it and there is no getting around that fact. I unfortunately will not be able to offer my husband my virginity and it pains me to accept that fact.  However, because of repentance I was given another chance to offer my body to Christ and if any of you reading this are currently dealing with the issue of sexual sin you can also have another chance at offering your body to Christ. Think about this, when you moved out of your parents house and got your own place, if you knew they were coming to visit you made sure your home was clean before they arrived.  Well God is our heavenly father and He not only visits but His holy spirit lives inside of  us, therefore we should make sure that are “house” is always in order.  I attended a membership class this pass Saturday at my new church and we watched the crucifixion scene from The Passion.  When I saw that I immediately reflected back to all of my wrong doing.  Every time we do wrong its like we are there driving the nails in Jesus’ hands ourselves.  I own The Passion and I’ve only watched it once because it really hurts to see what God went through for me.  But you know what hurts worse?  Knowing God suffered on the cross for our pathetic, sinful, flawed selves and we can’t even honor Him by keeping our bodies, His temple, pure.

I Thessalonians 4: 3-4 (NLT) God’s will is for you to be holy so stay away from all sexual sin.  As you can see we were designed to be holy.  This became possible when God sent Jesus to the cross.  The only way for us to live a holy life is to be Christ like and participating in sex, masturbation, porn, or anything of that nature is not living Christ like.  The more you participate in those activities the farther away from God you become.  The more you participate in those activities the more habitual they become and we all know how hard it is to break a bad habit.  I can say this because I’ve been there and done that.  I can even write a book.  That’s just how serious it’s been for me.

I urge you to run.  Run real fast right now and leave the sexual immorality behind you.  Do you like hurting God?  Do you enjoy nailing Him to the cross?  I didn’t that’s why I decided to make a change and allow God to use me more.  I don’t regret anything that I’ve done in my life because I had to endure it to become who I am at this point.  And who I am is a woman on a mission.  I am a woman who has made many mistakes and who will make many more.  However, I am the same woman who is going to use my mistakes as a learning experience for myself and for others.  I want to enjoy the life God has for me and whatever I have to do to get that fulfillment and to feel His presence will be done.  I don’t want to take this journey alone so stand up and walk the path or righteousness with me.

*** I wrote this blog about a year ago.  Needless to say since then I've fallen several times.  I'm human and it happens.  Nevertheless, I do know the danger behind my actions. And maybe one day I will experience complete deliverance from sexual sin***

Life Lessons

Well today was a very uneventful day.  However I did spend a lot of time trying to figure out how I was going to start this wonderful adventrue in blogging.  I am a very unique individual who has experienced a lot of things in my 31 years.  Some of my experiences have been great while others have been not so great however they were lessons learned.

Sometimes I wonder if this is all life is cracked up to be.  Are we suppose to go day to day learning lesson after lesson?  I’m not sure, however I am sure that I don’t want anyone to experience some of the things that I’ve experienced in order to get from point A to point B.   Forrest Gump said it best, “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get.”  Needless to say even though boxes of chocolates comes with a guide to let you know exactly what piece of candy is in the box and where it is located, every day is a new day with new experiences and new encounters without guides.  There is something that I’ve noticed, many of the things I deal with over and over and over again are very similar situations.  Does that mean I didn’t learn the first time?  Am I suppose to gain more from the situation or what?

One of the things that I’m dealing with right now is the fact that I’m single and very much ready to be in a loving relationship.  I want to be married with a family and it seems to me that I’m running out of time.  So day after day I try to figure out exactly what it is I need to do to become closer to my dream of being a wife and a mother.  I’m not very outgoing however I’m open to all types of people.  I’m not the one to make the first move but I usually follow up really well.   I run into the same problem over and over and over again.  When I meet someone who’s really nice and compatible I always fall into the friend zone what is that about?  Are you not suppose to date someone you consider to be your friend?  How do one stop falling into the friend zone?